Signs your parent may need more support at home
The changes that matter are rarely dramatic. They are quiet, gradual, and easy to explain away — especially over the phone.
—6 min read
Most families do not decide that a parent needs help. They notice, slowly, over a series of visits, and then something happens that removes the option of waiting any longer.
If you have found yourself thinking about this more often lately, that instinct is usually worth taking seriously. Here is what to look at.
In the kitchen
The kitchen tells you more than any conversation will.
- Food in the fridge that is past its date, or a fridge that is oddly empty
- The same few easy things on repeat, when they used to cook properly
- Pans or a cooker with burn marks that are new
- Post and paperwork piling up on the table
Weight loss is one of the strongest signals there is. If clothes are hanging differently, take it seriously.
Around the house
- A house that is less clean than they would ever have allowed
- Laundry not being done, or being done and left
- Plants dying, when the garden was always their pride
- Curtains closed during the day
- A cold house in winter, which may be about money, or about the heating controls having become confusing
About the person
- Wearing the same clothes across several visits
- Hair, nails or shaving noticeably less cared for than usual
- Bruises they cannot explain, or explain a little too quickly
- Unsteadiness — a hand on furniture as they cross a room
- Sleeping downstairs, which usually means the stairs have become frightening
Medication
- Tablets left in the blister pack for days that have already passed
- Several unopened boxes of the same repeat prescription
- Confusion about what is for what, or doubling up
Socially
This is the one families miss most often, because it is invisible over the phone.
- Clubs, church or the bowls group quietly stopped
- No longer driving, without having said so
- Declining invitations they would once have accepted
- The same stories, or the same questions, within one visit
Money and paperwork
- Unopened post, particularly anything official
- Bills unpaid, or paid twice
- Unusual purchases, or being taken in by cold calls
What to do with what you have noticed
Write it down. Dates and specifics. When you eventually speak to a GP or a care provider, "she has fallen twice since Christmas and lost about a stone since the summer" is far more useful than "she's not herself".
Start the GP conversation. Several of these signs have treatable causes — a urinary infection, a thyroid problem, medication side effects, depression, poor eyesight, hearing loss. Not everything is decline, and some of it is fixable.
Talk to your siblings before you talk to your parent. Arriving with a united, calm position is far better than one child raising it while another quietly disagrees.
How to raise it
Do not open with care. Open with the specific thing.
"Mum, I noticed the stairs are getting harder. What if someone came in to help with the heavy things?" lands very differently from "we need to talk about getting you some care."
Expect resistance, because the conversation is not really about help. It is about independence, and about what accepting help would mean. Go slowly. Offer the smallest version first. Let them keep control of the decision wherever you possibly can — that is usually what makes the difference between agreement and a stand-off.
If you are further along than that
If you have noticed most of the list rather than one or two things, it may be time for a proper conversation with someone who does this for a living. A consultation costs nothing and commits you to nothing — and an honest professional opinion on what is actually needed is often a relief in itself.